fear of rejection. certainty. confidence. self assurance.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
awesome
I read this, "when I get sad, I stop being sad and I start becoming awesome", "everyone is fighting their own battles"
For some reason, I remember this because it was meaningful to me.There was period in my life, not too long ago that I would remember a lot of quotes and they had so much meaning to me that I read it once and I never forgotten.
A strategy without tactic is a slowest route to a victory. A Tactic without strategy is a noise before defeat
Had a great day at Tippr. One deal after another. Long conversations. One with William Chambers from Tone def was 45 min long. I wanted to find out if he was a legitimate business and he proved it all by taking my head to spin with all his passion coming out of his pores about Tone Def. I loved it even though his deal was not going to be attractive and it may never see the light but I loved it for the fact that I could carry a conversation, sincere not for the sake of the sale but for the respect. I respected him for doing what he loves. Eventhough I could not understand all his technical terms I loved it.
I have noticed today that I don't use the backspace as much as I used to. I can type at my fast pace without mistyping is the result of it. My fingers are definitely getting used to keyboard as life goes on. I like it.
bEAUTiful sunny day. I loved it. It made me happy.
YEsterday I went to Yoga. It was so peaceful and Chill. Difficult poses, I could not think much about anything other than keeping my balalnce. at the end, I layed down and focused on my breathing. I was instructed to think about 3 happy things that happened today. I was able to come up with it very quickly. This tells me that I am capable of appreciation. I know how to be thankful for what I have and be glad. Today I was able to carry that awesomeness to work. I was in control and confident. I am slowly getting into that space where I enjoy what I do. I enjoy talking to people about the benefits that I'm providing without any bullshit. I feel good about what i'm providing because I am meeting their needs.
Crystal, Katrina, Sara, James, Ilan, Mikayla were all home at one point. We were all happy, getting along, in the moment. Even though it was brief, it was great.
I have noticed something about Ilan lately. What is this? What else could this mean?
Crystal is cool. I like her.
Katrian and I met up for lunch. Unlike our usual time of elevating each other's mood and happiness, this time it was different. It was more like everyday life. Perhaps it's because we've been spending a lot of time together.
Living Situation finally all planned out and taken care of. I have never once worried or thought deeply about it while many people were fighting that battle, stress and concern.
Was it because I just some how knew that everything was going to work out or I was just being Chi that everyone thinks who I am.
Sometimes I feel people know me as what they read in the book rather than who I really am. Or I am not accepting or I am just too naive and self centered to not listen to them.
I like that I think of two opposite possibilities all the time. I think this is very important for becoming who I want to become. Never judge at first impression, really take time because each situtations and people are very complicated and rarely ever some simple.
It's all gonna be ok in the end, if it's not ok it's not the end. This has completely different meaning. As if first does not understand second. Or Second is completely ignoring underlying meaning of first and only interpreting the concrete, outside story.
I am slowly understanding more and more about who I want to become and who I want to keep in my life.
For some reason, I remember this because it was meaningful to me.There was period in my life, not too long ago that I would remember a lot of quotes and they had so much meaning to me that I read it once and I never forgotten.
A strategy without tactic is a slowest route to a victory. A Tactic without strategy is a noise before defeat
Had a great day at Tippr. One deal after another. Long conversations. One with William Chambers from Tone def was 45 min long. I wanted to find out if he was a legitimate business and he proved it all by taking my head to spin with all his passion coming out of his pores about Tone Def. I loved it even though his deal was not going to be attractive and it may never see the light but I loved it for the fact that I could carry a conversation, sincere not for the sake of the sale but for the respect. I respected him for doing what he loves. Eventhough I could not understand all his technical terms I loved it.
I have noticed today that I don't use the backspace as much as I used to. I can type at my fast pace without mistyping is the result of it. My fingers are definitely getting used to keyboard as life goes on. I like it.
bEAUTiful sunny day. I loved it. It made me happy.
YEsterday I went to Yoga. It was so peaceful and Chill. Difficult poses, I could not think much about anything other than keeping my balalnce. at the end, I layed down and focused on my breathing. I was instructed to think about 3 happy things that happened today. I was able to come up with it very quickly. This tells me that I am capable of appreciation. I know how to be thankful for what I have and be glad. Today I was able to carry that awesomeness to work. I was in control and confident. I am slowly getting into that space where I enjoy what I do. I enjoy talking to people about the benefits that I'm providing without any bullshit. I feel good about what i'm providing because I am meeting their needs.
Crystal, Katrina, Sara, James, Ilan, Mikayla were all home at one point. We were all happy, getting along, in the moment. Even though it was brief, it was great.
I have noticed something about Ilan lately. What is this? What else could this mean?
Crystal is cool. I like her.
Katrian and I met up for lunch. Unlike our usual time of elevating each other's mood and happiness, this time it was different. It was more like everyday life. Perhaps it's because we've been spending a lot of time together.
Living Situation finally all planned out and taken care of. I have never once worried or thought deeply about it while many people were fighting that battle, stress and concern.
Was it because I just some how knew that everything was going to work out or I was just being Chi that everyone thinks who I am.
Sometimes I feel people know me as what they read in the book rather than who I really am. Or I am not accepting or I am just too naive and self centered to not listen to them.
I like that I think of two opposite possibilities all the time. I think this is very important for becoming who I want to become. Never judge at first impression, really take time because each situtations and people are very complicated and rarely ever some simple.
It's all gonna be ok in the end, if it's not ok it's not the end. This has completely different meaning. As if first does not understand second. Or Second is completely ignoring underlying meaning of first and only interpreting the concrete, outside story.
I am slowly understanding more and more about who I want to become and who I want to keep in my life.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Friday
Got a massage at the Evergreen Chiropractic through Tippr purchase. I felt relaxed. This is my first time getting a massage in US.
Recently there has been serious bonding time with closest friends of mine. It's becoming a mutually respected space where we value each other. Quite of bit of bonding time with Katy, Ben and Alex.
after all, all that reading and listening of the goods are finally showing differences. I like that. No more crazy, ignorant, arrogant, careless Chisung.
I like it when friends call me 'Chisung' after all names is the sweetest sound to my ears. I believe it is the same way for majority of the population.
1. positive attitude - I relate this to my own threshold to take amount of stress, concern and difficulty. Always able to bounce back.
2. proactive - giving my full force to solve the immediate problem. Ones that I feel the most pressure or burden is the first thing that I must accomplish to the solution.
3. appreciate - most important element for my happiness. always looking back to the past, remembering where I came from, realizing that my life is whole a lot better. If I become unhappy, then I'm acting spoiled.
Found a sweet spot, view point in Seattle, not an ideal typical touristy area. Something only people in Seattle should know about. Who do I want to take? Who do I want to share it with?
Life is great, it is fun. When I get to share to with someone it is twice sweeter. I want to get away, travel with someone that I completely connect with and come back and still share new life and treasure the old memories.
I want to experience everyday life on my own. Every other day share it with people I love. Live the life I imagined.
1. Become a morning person, wake up early. Get more out of the day. Never force myself to go to sleep. Body asks for sleep and looks forward to tomorrow.
2. Consistency of workout. Make myself stronger emotionally, physically. Must get into a routine. Missed two days, half assed other two days. one great run at the park.
3. Care, love and contribute to all the people and things that I care about. Maintain because they are valuable.
4. Trust in my future. Can't connect the dot looking to the future, but I can connect the dots looking to the past, trust my future that dots will connect. Move forward.
5. Listen, carefully, fully, best way to do this is to show full curiosity. To have full curiosity, I must have respect, to have the respect I must not judge too soon. Everybody is fighting their own battle, advancing, I must focus on their strength to learn from them. Don't judge too soon.
6. Be a good one. Good Person. Build a character with trust, honesty and loyalty.
7. Do my best. If I don't feel like it, I don't belong there. When I find my passion, don't ever let it go, go at it.
who do I want to share this journey together? whole life is ahead.
Recently there has been serious bonding time with closest friends of mine. It's becoming a mutually respected space where we value each other. Quite of bit of bonding time with Katy, Ben and Alex.
after all, all that reading and listening of the goods are finally showing differences. I like that. No more crazy, ignorant, arrogant, careless Chisung.
I like it when friends call me 'Chisung' after all names is the sweetest sound to my ears. I believe it is the same way for majority of the population.
1. positive attitude - I relate this to my own threshold to take amount of stress, concern and difficulty. Always able to bounce back.
2. proactive - giving my full force to solve the immediate problem. Ones that I feel the most pressure or burden is the first thing that I must accomplish to the solution.
3. appreciate - most important element for my happiness. always looking back to the past, remembering where I came from, realizing that my life is whole a lot better. If I become unhappy, then I'm acting spoiled.
Found a sweet spot, view point in Seattle, not an ideal typical touristy area. Something only people in Seattle should know about. Who do I want to take? Who do I want to share it with?
Life is great, it is fun. When I get to share to with someone it is twice sweeter. I want to get away, travel with someone that I completely connect with and come back and still share new life and treasure the old memories.
I want to experience everyday life on my own. Every other day share it with people I love. Live the life I imagined.
1. Become a morning person, wake up early. Get more out of the day. Never force myself to go to sleep. Body asks for sleep and looks forward to tomorrow.
2. Consistency of workout. Make myself stronger emotionally, physically. Must get into a routine. Missed two days, half assed other two days. one great run at the park.
3. Care, love and contribute to all the people and things that I care about. Maintain because they are valuable.
4. Trust in my future. Can't connect the dot looking to the future, but I can connect the dots looking to the past, trust my future that dots will connect. Move forward.
5. Listen, carefully, fully, best way to do this is to show full curiosity. To have full curiosity, I must have respect, to have the respect I must not judge too soon. Everybody is fighting their own battle, advancing, I must focus on their strength to learn from them. Don't judge too soon.
6. Be a good one. Good Person. Build a character with trust, honesty and loyalty.
7. Do my best. If I don't feel like it, I don't belong there. When I find my passion, don't ever let it go, go at it.
who do I want to share this journey together? whole life is ahead.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
thoghts
My best friend is telling me about her ex missing him. he feels meh. he knows it was due to indifference. I'm not sure if I feel sad or glad. I just want him to be happy.
Abby texted me today. for the first time I did not respond.
best ones are always hardest to get
Went to Sunergy today. then Ilan and I met up at the Auto Battery to watch the ball game. Mavericks won.
Went to the gym with Ben at 620am. Great leg work out. Not the same intensity as afternoon work out. I must get in the habit of working out in the morning.
I feel nothing. no sadness no hapiness. I feel nothing. Where am I headed?
Am I being tested or challenged?
What do I want? I want to be challenged. no I want to overcome challenges all the time every time.
I want to feel stimulation and excitement
Who am I? I used to be able to describe that in two words. Not anymore. it's three
Curiosity, variety and certainty
I like stumbleupon. it is my new addiction
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
not the same day
what do you want?
I want happiness.
What is happiness?
It's a feeling.
how does it feel?
it feels good.
how good is it?
it feels comfortable, content, proud of myself, satisfied, it has its build and climax.
why do you want that?
because it feels good.
why does it feel good?
because there is no pain.
no pain no gain?!
when I'm happy, I don't feel the pain, any obstacles are challenges that I enjoy overcoming, not a road block.
What is a road block
road block creates pain, hurt, lost, don't know where to go, unclear, painful, stuck, in a rut, anxiety, wants the momentum back, , hopeless, unworthy. want solution to remove the road block. Solution to removing the road block and removing the road block is what I want. I get what I want. I feel happy when I get what I want.
What do you want?
Just another day. Not the same day.
My people are artistic and authentic. It is very difficult to distinguish who they are amongst them. It is difficult to identify or categorize who they are. One thing that is clear, they understand each other because of who they are.
Judging is prohibited. Loving self is the ultimate strength and that is the niche. Many of them become stronger as they age because they live on their own term and become stronger version of who they are, step by step, day by day changing and building toward art; art of absolute unique oneself.
They are incredibly cool and awesome people, some part of me just cannot relate or I relate so much that I am searching for something new. Then I found out that I don't fit in anywhere. When I felt loved, I desired to be my own absolute unique who do not fit in anywhere.
It is time to identify and analyze one by one. No need to throw them all away. No need to label all of them as ego or stupid. It was a experiment, very well done research and I just need to make sure that I gather all the data too.
Choose your option. WHAT, WHY, HOW, WHEN, WHERE, WHOM
uncomfortable feeling, felt my heart open as if I am letting it in, by complimenting sincerely and meaning it, 940pm when we are tired and high, in the car driving back, ben
workout 620am.
What I felt during the day?
I want the most precious, most valuable, challenge, tough road, pressure, pushed, put myself into a misery,
I have been a nice person for a very long time.
I feel guarded. I have been guarded. For a very long time.
Now I can feel the guard. I'm not sure if it cracked or there was meaning behind the recognition.
I have been acting for a very long time.
Only I know who I am.
Link what my deepest desire to what I do when nobody is looking. Then I shall find true happiness because I will always chase after my dream My dream is my deepest desire. Shaping the person that I am, building who I am, can't fake it, because I will always know the truth, best option is no bullshit game, build my character to be the person who shall have the dream, deepest desire, chasing after it is passion, living with passion with my deepest desire. Character is staying true to myself, realistic, clear, and only I know it. Only I know what I want.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Road trip
910pm. decision is made for roadtrip
950pm doubting has stopped, we are for real doing this
11pm depart
6am. arrived in Grants pass. Breakfast
7pm. Mikayla beat me on Darts
730pm I beat her
11pm bed
9am on the road
430pm redwoods arrival
650pm made the fire
dark. talkin, drinking, eating, sleep
9am on the road
redwood national park is beautiful
8pm picked up Ilan
Mikayla Weissman, Sarah Lim, Mila,
950pm doubting has stopped, we are for real doing this
11pm depart
6am. arrived in Grants pass. Breakfast
7pm. Mikayla beat me on Darts
730pm I beat her
11pm bed
9am on the road
430pm redwoods arrival
650pm made the fire
dark. talkin, drinking, eating, sleep
9am on the road
redwood national park is beautiful
8pm picked up Ilan
Mikayla Weissman, Sarah Lim, Mila,
Guy Talk
Ilan and I had some pretty serious conversation about state we are in right now. This conversation involved living situation, plans/predictions for next few months, our dynamic, satisfaction and inadequacy in life, where to draw the line between content and hunger. character of a person, disappointment, memory, feeling.
After spending the whole 3 day weekend with two girls, I don't notice whole a lot. Just one big fundamental difference. However, I must observe more. This is simple assumption that women desire for relationship of sharing more than men. Men become content in a relationship because his desire to be loved is met. Women are not easily satisfied and give more, by doing that sometimes men becomes spoiled. Women make the relationship work. if two hands must be required clap. A woman is hand is larger. It depends on her how loud the clap is. Men make the relationship work by focusing on building the life and providing; fulfilling women's need.
I may not go climb Rainier. Now this whole housing situation, outside control over friendship is slowly making me upset. When Ilan said that it may not be a good idea for me to climb rainier to avoid any negativity, I was bothered because i'm definitely not the one causing that anymore. it's ok. I can do it myself. it's called meetup.com
went to a fitness class today with Kevin. Totally kicked my ass. Weights were not even heavy but consistent pushing increments was like how Katy was teaching me barre3.
listening to infected mushroom. Have not listen to this in a very long time. The beat.. music is in the air... it's all good.
Ilan and I also talked about group of friends vs me living alone. It makes sense for me to live alone. It is logical thing to do. throw a big FU? no that's too immature of me to make a big decision on little thing like that. This is my life we are talking about here. Advancing in my life used to be the ONLY thing that I never second guessed to come to a decision. Never hesitated.... what the fuck am i doing... thinking...
Life in the 20's is to enjoy? like college is just to pass time because nobody want to work with kids coming out of college? living freely working 30 hrs a week and playing all the time. just make enough money to go spend it for joy of life. these are things that started to question whether i'm sharing my life with right person. Would I have enjoyed my life if I was sharing my life with someone who weighs advancing in life more than enjoying. There are so many variables to go along with this.
Ilan and I talked about second chance. He answered back very carefully as I expected.
How I feel has everything to do with my own interpretation, has nothing to do with outside circumstances. Within, I must interpret it with big end goal in mind. Think big picture and act on it.
Why do I keep coming back here? What is it about this blog? I spend more time here than my own hand written journal.
Getting more viewers on this now. many different countries, different platforms, operating systems. different traffic. sometimes I wonder who these people are and how they ended up here.
After spending the whole 3 day weekend with two girls, I don't notice whole a lot. Just one big fundamental difference. However, I must observe more. This is simple assumption that women desire for relationship of sharing more than men. Men become content in a relationship because his desire to be loved is met. Women are not easily satisfied and give more, by doing that sometimes men becomes spoiled. Women make the relationship work. if two hands must be required clap. A woman is hand is larger. It depends on her how loud the clap is. Men make the relationship work by focusing on building the life and providing; fulfilling women's need.
I may not go climb Rainier. Now this whole housing situation, outside control over friendship is slowly making me upset. When Ilan said that it may not be a good idea for me to climb rainier to avoid any negativity, I was bothered because i'm definitely not the one causing that anymore. it's ok. I can do it myself. it's called meetup.com
went to a fitness class today with Kevin. Totally kicked my ass. Weights were not even heavy but consistent pushing increments was like how Katy was teaching me barre3.
listening to infected mushroom. Have not listen to this in a very long time. The beat.. music is in the air... it's all good.
Ilan and I also talked about group of friends vs me living alone. It makes sense for me to live alone. It is logical thing to do. throw a big FU? no that's too immature of me to make a big decision on little thing like that. This is my life we are talking about here. Advancing in my life used to be the ONLY thing that I never second guessed to come to a decision. Never hesitated.... what the fuck am i doing... thinking...
Life in the 20's is to enjoy? like college is just to pass time because nobody want to work with kids coming out of college? living freely working 30 hrs a week and playing all the time. just make enough money to go spend it for joy of life. these are things that started to question whether i'm sharing my life with right person. Would I have enjoyed my life if I was sharing my life with someone who weighs advancing in life more than enjoying. There are so many variables to go along with this.
Ilan and I talked about second chance. He answered back very carefully as I expected.
How I feel has everything to do with my own interpretation, has nothing to do with outside circumstances. Within, I must interpret it with big end goal in mind. Think big picture and act on it.
Why do I keep coming back here? What is it about this blog? I spend more time here than my own hand written journal.
Getting more viewers on this now. many different countries, different platforms, operating systems. different traffic. sometimes I wonder who these people are and how they ended up here.
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