Today was not a productive day. I did not focus well. This morning, I felt like it was a mistake to go to Aimee's party. I am very emotionally vulnerable today. Friend from Olympia told me that quickest way to heal is a rebound. I thought about it and went on match.com but I couldn't get myself to signup my name. Because this means I am intentionally planning on hurting someone for the sake of my happiness. Nobody should go through the feeling that i'm going through. I understand it is necessary step for people to go through to be mature and love is universal language. But there has to be a better way. Develop and build on the idea of counselling and love tips. One thing I can do is to share the feeling i'm going through with people and encourage everyone to never stop loving.
Mikayla is telling me that I should move on because she is sure that i'm going to find true love from some other girl. Better ones out there. She says that I'm only torturing myself for being hopeful.
Am I really wrong not to give up when I know love of my life, the one, my wife is right in front of me? Even if the chance of Abby loving me again is so slim, if there is a hope, I rather chase after that than just give up. I am aware there are likely chance that I will be hurt even more and continue to be tortured.
She told me something that I did not want to hear today but it was the truth. Surprisingly, I did not get upset. I do not have sense/feeling of possessiveness. Perhaps I'm defeated, used to the pain. She is not mine and she has no obligation to me. Plus, I really don't want her to be scared with/of me. It is fucekd up way to have a relationship. The issue is not whether she loves me or not. The issue is whether she trusts me. I believe trust is more possible than love. I'm just really hoping that she said 'yes' to breakfast because she does miss/love me, not to play with me. Perhaps she is just confused. I can only hope.
First time in 3 weeks, I did not work out. I drank a lot last night, felt tired and right hand is all swollen/bruised from punching the wall. This was a bad approach. I should have at least went for a run because I did not feel energized at all. I couldn't stop thinking about Abby today for some reason. I feel so bad for David. He was willing and motivated. He even brought coffee grounds from his house. I'm the vision and passion guy. I'm the driver and inspiration guy. I must make sure to separate work and personal.
I'm excited about Tuesday Sack of Seattle Coffee and Wednesday in Redmond. This will be the first time meeting Andy Sack and his followers. I will be stepping into the door of Seattle Entrepreneur ecosystem. I'm nervous because I don't want to embarrass myself for lack of knowledge. What excites me is the thought of them accepting me. Based on what I have read, they should be able to eyeball me within 10 mins whether I have the entrepreneurial spirit like they do. It takes one to know one. Once they get to know my sense of commitment and eagerness to learn to sprint, they will be helpful. I've been in their position. It feels so good to be teaching/coaching and getting feedback of gratitude. I just hope that they don't say impossible to my face.
My heart has been beating fast all day today. I can feel it every time it beats. I tried to watch House today. First time in a long time, they made a sad ending. Patient had died, dying husband died with knowing that his wife had left with anger and that he was not forgiven. Wife told husband she is pregnant and loved him, but he had lost hearing by then. Pretty fucekd up ending. I did not like it one bit. Last thing I needed was sad ending story. I closed it right away. My favorite TV show ruining beginning of my day was last thing I needed.
David and I did make significant progress on storyboard and drawings. we talked about our roles and specialty as well. I just talked to him about it because of what I read from Paul Graham's blog. That was quite helpful because it empowered David to have more sense of ownership. I went to Seattle 2.0 today. Signed up.
I should continue to look for a job. I need source of income and socialize and make new friends.
when/if Abby and I get back together, it's gonna be quite the different style/dynamic of relationship. We are gonna have many variety, diversified, type/dynamics of friends and a lot of Groupon, LivingSocial, Tippr dates together. That hopeful thinking really stimulates me and give me the happiness. till it's morning again.
Mikayla is telling me that I should move on because she is sure that i'm going to find true love from some other girl. Better ones out there. She says that I'm only torturing myself for being hopeful.
Am I really wrong not to give up when I know love of my life, the one, my wife is right in front of me? Even if the chance of Abby loving me again is so slim, if there is a hope, I rather chase after that than just give up. I am aware there are likely chance that I will be hurt even more and continue to be tortured.
She told me something that I did not want to hear today but it was the truth. Surprisingly, I did not get upset. I do not have sense/feeling of possessiveness. Perhaps I'm defeated, used to the pain. She is not mine and she has no obligation to me. Plus, I really don't want her to be scared with/of me. It is fucekd up way to have a relationship. The issue is not whether she loves me or not. The issue is whether she trusts me. I believe trust is more possible than love. I'm just really hoping that she said 'yes' to breakfast because she does miss/love me, not to play with me. Perhaps she is just confused. I can only hope.
First time in 3 weeks, I did not work out. I drank a lot last night, felt tired and right hand is all swollen/bruised from punching the wall. This was a bad approach. I should have at least went for a run because I did not feel energized at all. I couldn't stop thinking about Abby today for some reason. I feel so bad for David. He was willing and motivated. He even brought coffee grounds from his house. I'm the vision and passion guy. I'm the driver and inspiration guy. I must make sure to separate work and personal.
I'm excited about Tuesday Sack of Seattle Coffee and Wednesday in Redmond. This will be the first time meeting Andy Sack and his followers. I will be stepping into the door of Seattle Entrepreneur ecosystem. I'm nervous because I don't want to embarrass myself for lack of knowledge. What excites me is the thought of them accepting me. Based on what I have read, they should be able to eyeball me within 10 mins whether I have the entrepreneurial spirit like they do. It takes one to know one. Once they get to know my sense of commitment and eagerness to learn to sprint, they will be helpful. I've been in their position. It feels so good to be teaching/coaching and getting feedback of gratitude. I just hope that they don't say impossible to my face.
My heart has been beating fast all day today. I can feel it every time it beats. I tried to watch House today. First time in a long time, they made a sad ending. Patient had died, dying husband died with knowing that his wife had left with anger and that he was not forgiven. Wife told husband she is pregnant and loved him, but he had lost hearing by then. Pretty fucekd up ending. I did not like it one bit. Last thing I needed was sad ending story. I closed it right away. My favorite TV show ruining beginning of my day was last thing I needed.
David and I did make significant progress on storyboard and drawings. we talked about our roles and specialty as well. I just talked to him about it because of what I read from Paul Graham's blog. That was quite helpful because it empowered David to have more sense of ownership. I went to Seattle 2.0 today. Signed up.
I should continue to look for a job. I need source of income and socialize and make new friends.
when/if Abby and I get back together, it's gonna be quite the different style/dynamic of relationship. We are gonna have many variety, diversified, type/dynamics of friends and a lot of Groupon, LivingSocial, Tippr dates together. That hopeful thinking really stimulates me and give me the happiness. till it's morning again.
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