Stock

Started travel again. Since late July, only made $2500 after losing $4000 with FB and znga.

Wasn't that painful experience. Missing opportunity pained me more than the loss.

I have no Idea what I learned. Was it a pure gamble? Intuition? There isnt one perfect formula. At the end of the day, I have to decide with given knowledge I have. There are winners and losers. A players and C players.

Selling after long patience of nothing then next day it jumps. That happened twice. That sucked.

Set a limit to buy early in the day knowing that it will go up. But it never came down from I saw, went out, then when I came home it jumped., that sucked.

Stock that was in my watch list, but for a week did not watch and missed out on 20% jump. That sucked.

I don't record anything down. Don't keep particular memories than above after thinking about. However something tells me that these feelings what I can call experience and intuition as it accumulates without a long period of pause or distraction.

Why worry about which restaurant can save me a dollar more when it doesn't even cover the commission.

detachment, alone but not lonely

I feel detached not only from materials but from people as well.
I had this emotional detachment some time ago. It was between oct 2010 and feb 2011.
It happened in 2000
it happened in 2005

but this time its different because I do not have anyone to be detached from. sure there some friends from states that I still talk to, but that has lost its touch as well.

There are nobody, no one that I maintain consistent communication with. I am alone. I was alone when I first arrived in states in 2000 but I had consistent email exchange. after a month my sister arrived in states.

So. right now. I have never been this alone. Yet, I still do not feel lonely. I only feel more independent.

There are people that I see occasionaly and two people regularly. However, just because I see them regularly, it does not mean i maintain consistent communication. We have known each other quite sometime, i would say about 3 to 4 months. We touched very basic things about our past. equivalent to what one may write on FB or CS profile. It was off to a great start because it didnt start out with passive question like where in the social hiearchy do you fit in, tell me how much money you are worth. tell me things that you own. tell me what you have in your brain that is worth money. this is probably US too. yet from the travel, i have never felt this more strongly than colombia.

perhaps that is the reason why these two people exist near me.

back in States, i used to get to know people based on tangible information, facts, interesting sharable stories and common experience that we shared such as work or snowboarding, paintballing, drugs.

now I ask less question and just be. of course this leads to less talking, more silence, just be next to each other or be in a same house, same bar, same restaurant. if someone does not who she is. if he is not aware of himself. it only contradicts with her action and makes him hipocritical without intention.  people change and learn everyday. who I thoght I was is not who I am today. certain things definitely do not change. perhaps other things are just dormant waiting to burst out. but will it?

i do not find people interesting anymore. only a few. very small amount gets me ask second and third question. yet perhaps I never really found most people interesting therefore, kept asking random question to make them interesting or I was just too busy boosting my ego by putting them down meticulously.

i am not in search of meaning of life anymore. I know the meaning of life. at least mine for sure.

I think world would be a better place if people do not live by others words rather live with consequences.
i think world would be a better place if people do not define who they are through others rather with their own actions and its results.

recluse

osho said. life is not a riddle to be solved. it is a mystery to be lived.

understanding of people living for other´s opinion. does it come from their desire to be loved?

something stronger than fear is hope?

Forget about the rituals, they remove us from understanding and clear thinking. rituals are robotic and systematic.

higher standard of living, conscious standard of living.

I enjoy my recluse yet contradictory and hypocritical for writing this blog that is public.
isolated, separated, divided, alone, solo,

i find myself talking less, listening but selectively. hardest part is nodding when I disagree. but let it be when someone is talking non sense just to feel their emptiness, i dont know why they say non sense, non meaningful, non important, mundane. If he feels full inside, why is it necessary. Is it to feel part of something? to socialize?to feel loved, connected, be together, cooperate, coexist?

I came across a quote that said we buy things to impress the people that we do not even like. does status give you power? but isnt love more important? to feel loved is more important than to feel power over someone no? to feel respected? is respect more close to power or love?

Where are the real people? conscious minds, who understand biological need of human mentality and spiritual need of the soul.

I want to have a get out of my body experience. Where would I go? I do not know. is time travel really possible? without any machine, beyond our imagination, can it be done?

if I assume, ants and birds are not as conscious as human, then perhaps we are not as conscious as God. Somewhere there is a higher energy, beyond this realm of human existence. So many books, religion, spiritual practice, history, point us to something beyond this reality.

When I try to leave my body, connect with mysel, I find myself focusing my energy or concentration or feeling toward  inside my chest. somehow I know and feel that it does not go to my brain. Same as when i feel sadness or anxiety, it is my chest that feels.

Why are people so unaware? so caught up on the surface and be blinded to what is really happening around them.  Why are they not curious outside of their world?=