I have been spending a lot of time with Mind Mapping. It is a diagram used to represent my ideas in order to solve a problem, get clear with idea, visualize my thoughts, systematizing my opinion in structural format. I was also told that it helps remember things twice more during study.
I miss my student life. Life of learning was fun. Looking back, never really complained about being a student. I shall go back to school one day.
I have 5 Values. Through rigorous mind mapping of self analysis or digging deep into who I am, I have came to these five.
1. Confidence - this I find it to be my most important value. If I said I am confident all the time, I may be misleading. However, it is the most important trait about who I am. I believe in survival of fittest. I believe in unfair world. It is simply matter of 'go confidently in the direction of your dreams, live the life you've imagined'. I am who I am today because of my self confidence and listening and building relationship with people who share the same.
2. Drive and Ambition
It is in me who I am. I share the same trait like everybody else. Talk about wanting to be a child again, wanting be a college student again. Something about present is not a satisfactory. Looking to the past with condition of inadequacy. Can't change the past. Looking to the future and knowing what I want and sprinting towards that is AMBITION. Drive is the fuel that pushes to be reach my ambition. Not being satisfied completely with my present allows me to set a new vision to create a next chapter of my life.
3. Decisiveness
choosing, deciding takes rigorous approach and definitely takes quite of bit of time. I know what I want, but I do not know which option will take me there best. Making sure opportunity cost is smaller than my first choice, careful selection. However, once the decision is made, I stick by it. I like it. I am satisfied. I am happy there because it gives me what I want. This is something that I noticed from dates that I have been having with these girls. I am not afraid to make a plan and execute. Then I remembered that I used to show indecisiveness to Abby driven by my desire for more attention. I remember she did not like that and I just did not realize how much she did not like that.
4. Self Respect
I like who I am not because I have done, but because of what I have not done. Because for the possibilities that are filled in my head. I never understood what 'self respect' was until I came across people who were not afraid to show who they are. My desire for authenticity to be who I am, never to conforming to others due to weakness or pressure of negative judgement. Loving myself often driven by my accomplishments but it was wrong. It should be driven by my character. As I grow, things that I accomplish should accumulate too, but what if it doesn't. what if there is a set back? Shall I just crumble and be miserable? or fight back and rise above challenge. It's not my ability to get to the top, it is my character that will make a difference. Setback with Studentpainters and Abby definitely took that away from me for in Jan and Feb. I did not like myself or who I was becoming. I never felt that about myself before. So I put an end to it. I decided what I'm going to focus on. It was like dancing. I just close my eyes and let the music take me away and flow. I just let myself ride the adrenaline and just go out and do it. Nothing to be shy about. This is who I am. One after another, starting with talking to John Sechrest, Louisa' coffee on Tuesdays, Rick, connecting with people, building network, startup weekend in
Weird things happened.
Supposed to meet with Abby today, but did not happen. She asked me to bring her stuff. I said i'm not home yet. she got upset. She said I am playing games. Seeing the message as I am coming out of the shower, shocked me. WTF. Short conversation with Ilan made me understand her probable assumption from what I had said. I should have just said 'I will look into it' Ilan assumed that she still cares. I agreed. We have not seen each other for a very long time. I'm sure she is little nervous like I am. Not a good idea to meet today. I want us to be both excited to see each other. Curious about what each other been up to. Absolute comfortable space. Keep it short and sweet. Fuck. I'm tired of talking about playing games. I just want simple honest communication. We do have a long history together. Before I would have been all caught up in anxiety. Why do I feel so calm right now? Have I moved on without knowing about it? Then why do I even bother wanting to see Abby?
I miss my student life. Life of learning was fun. Looking back, never really complained about being a student. I shall go back to school one day.
1. Confidence - this I find it to be my most important value. If I said I am confident all the time, I may be misleading. However, it is the most important trait about who I am. I believe in survival of fittest. I believe in unfair world. It is simply matter of 'go confidently in the direction of your dreams, live the life you've imagined'. I am who I am today because of my self confidence and listening and building relationship with people who share the same.2. Drive and Ambition
It is in me who I am. I share the same trait like everybody else. Talk about wanting to be a child again, wanting be a college student again. Something about present is not a satisfactory. Looking to the past with condition of inadequacy. Can't change the past. Looking to the future and knowing what I want and sprinting towards that is AMBITION. Drive is the fuel that pushes to be reach my ambition. Not being satisfied completely with my present allows me to set a new vision to create a next chapter of my life.
3. Decisiveness
choosing, deciding takes rigorous approach and definitely takes quite of bit of time. I know what I want, but I do not know which option will take me there best. Making sure opportunity cost is smaller than my first choice, careful selection. However, once the decision is made, I stick by it. I like it. I am satisfied. I am happy there because it gives me what I want. This is something that I noticed from dates that I have been having with these girls. I am not afraid to make a plan and execute. Then I remembered that I used to show indecisiveness to Abby driven by my desire for more attention. I remember she did not like that and I just did not realize how much she did not like that.
4. Self Respect
I like who I am not because I have done, but because of what I have not done. Because for the possibilities that are filled in my head. I never understood what 'self respect' was until I came across people who were not afraid to show who they are. My desire for authenticity to be who I am, never to conforming to others due to weakness or pressure of negative judgement. Loving myself often driven by my accomplishments but it was wrong. It should be driven by my character. As I grow, things that I accomplish should accumulate too, but what if it doesn't. what if there is a set back? Shall I just crumble and be miserable? or fight back and rise above challenge. It's not my ability to get to the top, it is my character that will make a difference. Setback with Studentpainters and Abby definitely took that away from me for in Jan and Feb. I did not like myself or who I was becoming. I never felt that about myself before. So I put an end to it. I decided what I'm going to focus on. It was like dancing. I just close my eyes and let the music take me away and flow. I just let myself ride the adrenaline and just go out and do it. Nothing to be shy about. This is who I am. One after another, starting with talking to John Sechrest, Louisa' coffee on Tuesdays, Rick, connecting with people, building network, startup weekend in Portland, meeting VJ, things started happening and rolling. However, this is only the beginning. There are still so many people to meet, so much to accomplish. Not giving crap about any negativity, not being afraid to be judged is self respect.
Happiness
Excitement and stimulation makes me happy. However, that is not the only thing. It is simply matter of feeling good about myself through fighting the challenge, overcoming obstacles and winning. Giving my all and knowing that. Happiness is not something that I can have always, all the time. That is why it is valued. It comes and goes away. Sometimes, there is long epoch. It gets really tough and hard. The pain hurts. But all of that is ok. Misery is a choice. one step at a time. Smile, think positive, keep my head up and energize. It's part of maturing.
Weird things happened.
Supposed to meet with Abby today, but did not happen. She asked me to bring her stuff. I said i'm not home yet. she got upset. She said I am playing games. Seeing the message as I am coming out of the shower, shocked me. WTF. Short conversation with Ilan made me understand her probable assumption from what I had said. I should have just said 'I will look into it' Ilan assumed that she still cares. I agreed. We have not seen each other for a very long time. I'm sure she is little nervous like I am. Not a good idea to meet today. I want us to be both excited to see each other. Curious about what each other been up to. Absolute comfortable space. Keep it short and sweet. Fuck. I'm tired of talking about playing games. I just want simple honest communication. We do have a long history together. Before I would have been all caught up in anxiety. Why do I feel so calm right now? Have I moved on without knowing about it? Then why do I even bother wanting to see Abby?
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