Today for the first time we had a talk about 'us'. I didn't feel comfortable. It was odd because I am great at confrontation arguments hard talks. Did I get soft? Does she really mean that much to me?
She stated our difference. I think she was startled and unprepared, benefit of the doubt, she says that I like cute things romantic things and she is not. She said I am a good person and bad ass.
She always says that "Chisung its not gonna happen". This rejection she told me that I asked her to remind me long time ago.
I remember now why i said it.
I want to be happy alone and I am happy alone. Will I be happier with her? I think so but don't know for certain... Then why not? The risk. She can hurt me. Is it possible to protect myself and still be with her? anything is possible. she will hurt me More likely than not. She said "not intentionally". and I said "sometimes can't help it"
What am I trying to accomplish? What is my goal? Romance is not the priority. It's not necessity, but awfully important and becomes necessity for many ppl. It's like a salt. It doesn't necessarily brings Energy to my body because it's not a meal. Once ppl discovered salt they never lived without it. It's a enhancer, it makes what's already good, great. It's a better life. This salt can bring me the greatest joy of my life as well as the darkness that can make me wonder about meaning of life. It's dangerous and must handle with caution.
What do I look for in a person that I want? Rarity, strength, drive, passion, someone who has something I don't. Now I think about in terms of offspring in a purely instinctive animal like primitive way. "if I were to pair with her, would it benefit my species to advance?" I'm definitely looking for betterment of the world. "is this a good mix?" yes
I like what we have, but it's my penchant to want more. This I struggle with.
I can't help but to think differently. It's my penchant to be different and independent. I want to be special, stand out, significant, best, respected, loved. However these qualities yield from my desire to not to be alike majority. So now I question what if I was to completely released from outside noise; telling me what to do, telling me to be more cautious, safe, traditional, follow rules, worrisome,. Then perhaps I can really bring out my creativity, pure form of natural, NUrture-nAture-nAture Chisung.
I learned about myself through personality books and listening to others who spent time analyzing this stuff. Sometimes I wish I had not because i used to depend on my intuition than facts, logics, knowledge. Although it made me become more rational, I am afraid I have only seen tip of the iceberg. It's time to relinquishing monster inside me. The crazy, weird, different Chisung can do good in this world. Fully being convinced that I am a good individual could be a good start.
I want to know what I want to devote all my time. I'm still not thinking about making a difference in this world or making an impact. I'm sure it will come as long as priority is straight. all come into pieces to whole
Steve Jobs teaches me a lesson from his bio.. I will never know what is true. Many ppl like to argue against my idolatry of steve jobs. That sucks. But I ride alone no problem. Often ppl follow eventually.
This is something beyond corporate profitability, typical role of CEO, beyond pragmatism. I see an art. I see an artisan, craftsman, conductor, who don't give a shit about stupid majority opinion, rather listen to a few crazy ones who pushes this human race forward .
